If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
