Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
