Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
