I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
