just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
