the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
