You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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