I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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