new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
you never un-have a 4some
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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