Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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