Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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