Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
