I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
