Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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