I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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