im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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