Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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