When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
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He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize