Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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