why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
