I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
