Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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