im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
