I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
