if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
