I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
