hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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