yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
