I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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