If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
