i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
