The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
