can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
