its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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