Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
