Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
