Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
