I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
