I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize