Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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