i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i think my cat just said my name.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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