WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
