I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
