The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
