Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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