i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
