I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
