apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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