If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
