Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
