dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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