True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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