everyone is single if you try hard enough
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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