How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
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I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
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I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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