Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
