I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
