she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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