I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
